Sunday, November 3, 2013

Flames From The Past Extinguished

You know, ex-boyfriends are like boomerangs... you let them go, they vanish into the distance, you think they are gone, but right when you turn the other way and when you least expect them- that's when they come back to try and hit you in the back of the head.
...
 
Ex Message nº 1:
You did not tell me you were fucking other guys while we were together.
 
Charming... also I would say I wasn't, but I've long learned that you can’t prove a negative, meaning no one is ever able to prove they "didn't" do something... so yeah... oh, and I don't really care, but that's kind of a really abrupt (not to mention stupid) accusation to make, so you mind telling me why you think that? Just you know, for the hell of it.
 
... This is where he sent me the typical message explaining and not very clearly, the all “heard from a friend, who told a friend of another friend that guy X said so.”
Followed by this:
Anyway... Clean your house. Whether he is lying or not does not matter. I came here to warn you, not give you shit. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I hope you are well and I miss you. Please take care.
And again:
"I don't give a shit about him. I was warning you.
If it's not true I have no reason to doubt you now that I have spoken to you.
I know I did not do things very well. I'm sorry. I just could not be there even though I really wanted to. It was just not the right moment in my life."
 
 
As for cleaning my house... I already did.
That is why you aren’t there anymore.
About the rest... Did I at any point in the past message made any mention whatsoever of you not having time to spend with me? No. I did not. And while we were dating I didn’t either. What I did do, was in the night you broke up with me say that I would prefer if when you actually were with me you would refrain from being so constantly on your mobile that you weren’t even listening to what I was saying.
Btw did it ever occur to you that I too might have problems going on? That I wanted to tell you about? Because you know you were my bf and all? No it did not, did it? Because your problems and your life are way more important.
Free info: Everyone has problems, doubts, stuff that isn’t what they want it to be in their lives. We deal with it. I don’t burden you with my problems, but I honestly didn’t even mind you telling me yours, what I DO mind is you using them as excuses.
The world doesn’t owe you shit. I owe you even less.
And as always hearsay proves to be a really reliable source but this is what really cracks me up: “If it's not true I have no reason to doubt you now that I have spoken to you.
 
Newsflash: You had no reason to doubt me even before you spoke with me.
...Did I ever give you reason? Was I not there for you every single time you needed or wanted me? Even on those times in which it was really inconvenient or bad for me?
You know the answer to those questions better than I do, and you also know something else, which is that people, who are fast to think they were cheated on, normally have glass roofs. Meaning they would cheat, so should I ask if there is something you want to tell me?
The sage continues:
I never said you owed me anything. If you pay attention to my words you would notice that I am the one who owes you something.  I wasn't there. I know you had shit going on with your job and other stuff and I just wasn't there. I'm sorry. And no, no glass roof. I just have a long history of being cheated on.  I did not come here to argue.
You win, if that is what matters to you. I know I fucked up, I know I wasn't there. I’m sorry. Have a goodnight. Be good.
 
Ahahahaha! Oh no, darling.
Believe me, you owe me nothing.
In fact I wish you the very best. Because that is what I have now.
Someone who has yet to tell me they love me, but at least I know that when he says it he will mean it.
Someone who may not have much time and attention to give to me, but who tries. Who really tries, who never makes excuses, because even when he can’t be there for me, he knows he has nothing to apologize for, because he gave it his all.
Someone who just went to a foreign country for more than a week for work, but when I told him I was going out with a male friend to see a flower show, he said have fun and get me something nice. And who laughed and told me I knew just what he liked, when I told him I got him a carnivorous plant.
Someone who I am sure doubts me in the privacy of his own dark thoughts but would never throw those thoughts at me, because he knows not only that I don’t deserve them, but that they are his doubts born from his fears and not from anything I’ve ever done.
Someone who talks to me and argues with when he wants to know something, or when I do or say anything that confuses him.
Someone who makes me wish I had more of myself to give, and never makes me doubt or regret that which I have already given.
Win? No it doesn’t matter at least not in the way you think.
Because I don’t really care about what you did or didn’t do. Or for that matter I don’t even care what you do or don’t, who you slept with or are sleeping with.
Because I don’t care about you. I did, a lot, but I only ever let people prove me wrong once. And you proved me very wrong indeed.
I win, not because I win, but because you lose.
And yes, have a good night, have lots of good nights, I do hope you have all the good nights that you may not deserve but that I wish for you nevertheless.
Goodbye
Closure, also like a boomerang, comes when you least expect it.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sparks!

Hello!!! Its been a while! I still here tough, been kinda busy, with my job, my family, friends, my life, yadda yadda... :P

But here I am posting again so not all is lost...

 Someone told me this yesterday,

"You look beautiful today!"
 

and it started me thinking, first like this:

  You just had to tack that “today” on, didn’t you? You had to isolate this day in time, so as to emphasize the fact that I am not usually at this level of aesthetic appeal. I’ll note this on my calendar as the day I looked good, and celebrate its anniversary every year!


Then like this:

It's insulting 'cause how often do you actually hear a "real" compliment?

The kind that has nothing to do with simple and passing things, and that instead is meant not for the now, but for the always? 

Someday I would like to hear,

Not about how I look: wether it's my hair, my eyes, or my smile that please you;
Not about how my efforts to dress and act -accordingly to your definition of beauty and grace- are appreciated;
Not that my taste in music or literature falls well with yours;

But that my soul reaches your soul, my personality amazes your mind, and my laughter touches your heart.

... That, I'll note down and celebrate, for its rarity and its value, not every year, but eveyday.

... I think...

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sex Burns

I really should stop with the uninspired fire related titles...

Either way, SEX.
Yep, I'm gonna write about sex, and newsflash I think I've yet to write about that here.
That's probably because my sex life was until recently as boring as it gets.
Sorry old flames, the sex was great, (at times) but boy did I always kind knew there was something missing for me there.
It's not a you thing, it's a me thing.

I read and write adult fanfiction since I was 13. But I always kept that part of my sexuality quite in the closet so to speak.
I'm young, cute and f***ing adorable, for some reason guys just associate that with nice, gentle, boring sex.
Yes, well, I like it, I just would really like it the other way around as well please!

Well, you know what they say, if you want it, just do it, but it's actually more complicated than that: I'm shy- oh screw you I am! I've issues with sex, I'm very open minded, but I will sooner do everything you want that tell you one single thing I want.
The key is to make me feel really comfortable, as if it was the most normal, ordinary stuff, in which case I will take it as the most normal ordinary stuff! Don't make a big deal out of it and I won't either!

Ok, so this is really a rant on how freaking awesome the guy I'm sleeping with is.
No seriouslly, awesome.
Like, if I didn't like him as a person (and I do a lot!) I'd still like to keep him as a fuck buddy.
And I don't do fuck buddies- so yeah, that awesome.

So, if I suddendly had to choose only one person to have sex with for the rest of my life, and I could choose from all the people I slept with + all the people I've yet to sleep with, I would, without thinking, say: "Him, please!"

He's just so f***ing confident, you know?
Like that quote from "Gone with the Wind", the one Rhett says to Scarlett:
"You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

Well, he knows how...
And I knew it from the moment he first kissed me, now those were butterflies!
I don't know if it's just a me thing, if he just pushes my buttons right or whatever, but everything just works like a bloody charm.
(I hope it's a me thing, but I very honestly doubt it, I'm certain he sucked in bed at some point, everyone does, but I'm also quite certain he's universally good at sex, now.
Go figure, some guys just have it all: Cool good-looks, a kick ass atitude, coupled with brilliant wits and good taste in art, music and literature... + sex god, yep life sucks for some people, not for me tough, I'm doing that guy! )

Wow, this entire post makes me sound like a damn sex maniac, which is so not true!
 I would totally date him, for his charming personality....
(yep, he has a charming personality, he's also funny and he get's my jokes, which is not easy and makes him be double funny for me)

Yes the sex rules, but the fact that this is a person I can talk to afterwards not only makes it more awesome, but it kinda gives it more value:
--Yes we're having great sex, and it will only improve as we get to know each other better and become more confortable with experimenting and communicating, etc...

But in the end of the day, I wanna spend time with you, talking about literature, art, music, movies and series, culture, life in general, our life in particular...
 Just eating whatever and watching Studio Ghibli movies...
I wanna know what you think, what makes you tick, not because we are dating, but because it interestets me, you interest me.
I wanna dream your dreams and help make them all come true.
Sure if you break my heart I will kill you, but until then I'll belive in you with such streght and conviction, that anything you want will happen if I can make it happen.

Take good care of me and I'll give you everything you could possible want, I'll be everything you need. Or try to, which is all I can do.

Do I love you?
No.

--But I could.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

This Woman Is On Fire

So... Ignore the title reference to the stupid song.
Ok, now that we have cleared that, let us carry on...

Have you ever heard the expression:
"No raindrop feels responsible for the flood."
No? Well, now you have.
And what about this expression:
"...you're not a pawn, you're a piece of dust slowly settling on a pawn in a game in which no player has moved in a thousand years."
No? Well, you probably haven't 'cause I just invented that one, but the point is,
Some days seem to exist just to prove to you how insignificant you truly are.
 
Today was one of those days.
 
You know how when you're young you come up with a set of rules, personal rules and you say to yourself: "I will always live by this maxims."
Yes, well, you will not.
Prepare Yourself!
You will,
Lie
Steal
Envy
Cheat
Hurt
Kill
 (... ok that last one was probably an exageration...)
 What I mean is that you don't know the future and every new day is a test to your convictions, or perhaps more correctly to your preconceived notions of right and wrong.
 Ever read "Les Miserables" ?
 Yes, well I have, and you should too...
In fact, why don't you go read it right now?
.... go on, it's fine!
I'll wait...
 
Done?
Good.
 
Let's go on... where was I?
Oh! that's right, why life is a bitch...
 
One days it tells you all your dreams are possible, the ridiculous list you made of your perfect man is not only reasonable, but it exists, those childhood wishes were simply guidelines, but hey! now they aren't! they are for real,and life has somehow manage to improve on them, it or in this case he can be even better.
Perfect really.
 
Then the next day, life asks you, to completely redefine your notion of self, by throwing into the trash bin, all your preconceived maxims.
 Maxims like that old philosophical maxim, that goes something like this:
"The way you pose a question determines the answer."
 The problem with the question I am posing myself right now, is that it's a yes/no, right/wrong, all/nothing proposition.
I'm doomed to disappointment no matter how I cut it -- for in the end, I apparently still have a child's view of love and relationships,
-- solitude is preferable to bad relationships 'cause bad relationships must be misery and all the good relationships will immediatly be bliss and bliss alone.
Is this really how life works, not just with romance, but with anything?
At some point the mature person must recognize the difference between fantasy and reality, of how your idea of the way things should be only sometimes intersect with the way things really are.
Know that there are no real constants in life:
Solitude may be both invigorating and lonesome,
A relationship can be exceptional and wanting in equal turns,
Your family/friends can embolden you and let you down the next day.
Life is throwing this at me as a way of suggesting I rethink things as having more than one answer, and allow myself
the very real,
very human,
often unpoetic
(or fit for being turned into maxims )
stuff of life, that lies in the middle of misery and ecstasy.  The stuff in between. Neither white nor black, all the nasty and beautiful grey bits of life.
Whatever they may be.
Either way, just live the best life you can, and yadda yadda...
 

Friday, May 17, 2013

12th of May, 2013

It is a bad thing for a writer (or someone who aspires to be one, such as me) when words fail them.
Words fail me today.
Perhaps because of this, I will simply borrow someone else's words.

These words, for you, today, 12th of May, 2013.

"Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.
You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.
 Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.
The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.  
 You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.
Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth. 
 How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,
my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.
  I want
to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."

 Poem #14 from 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair.
By Pablo Neruda

(Translated to english by W. S. Merwin)

Monday, April 8, 2013

Boy or Girl - Find Out Where Your Flaming Personality Leans To!

YOUR BOY SIDE:
you love hoodies
You love jeans
dogs are better then cats
it’s hilarious when people get hurt
you've played with/against boys on a team
shopping is torture s
ad movies suck
you own/owned an XBOX
you own/owned a Wii
you played with Hot Wheels as a little kid
at some point in life you wanted to be a firefighter
you own/owned a DS PS2 or Sega
you used to be obsessed with Power Rangers
you watch sports on TV
gory movies are cool
you go to your dad for advice
you own like a trillion baseball hats
you used to/do collect football collector cards
baggy sweatpants are cool to wear all the way
its kind of weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people
green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors
you love to go crazy and not care what other people think
sports are fun you talk with food in your mouth
you sleep at night with your socks on sometimes
TOTAL= 13

YOUR GIRL SIDE
you love to shop
you wear eyeliner
you wear the color pink
you go to your mom for advice
you considered cheerleading a sport you hate wearing the color black
you like going to town
you like getting manicures and/or pedicures
you like wearing jewelery
you cried watching The Notebook
you have worn dangly earings
shopping is one of your favorite hobbies
you don't like the movie Star Wars
you are/were in gymnastics you smile a lot more than you should
you have more than 10 pairs of shoes
sometimes you care about what you look like you like wearing dresses
you like wearing body spray you wear flip flops
you used to play with dolls as a kid you have put makeup on others
you like being the star of almost everything
you love shoe shopping
pink is one of your favorite colors
TOTAL= 9

hmm... thirteen against nine. I should have foreseen that...