Sex Burns

I really should stop with the uninspired fire related titles...

Either way, SEX.
Yep, I'm gonna write about sex, and newsflash I think I've yet to write about that here.
That's probably because my sex life was until recently as boring as it gets.
Sorry old flames, the sex was great, (at times) but boy did I always kind knew there was something missing for me there.
It's not a you thing, it's a me thing.

I read and write adult fanfiction since I was 13. But I always kept that part of my sexuality quite in the closet so to speak.
I'm young, cute and f***ing adorable, for some reason guys just associate that with nice, gentle, boring sex.
Yes, well, I like it, I just would really like it the other way around as well please!

Well, you know what they say, if you want it, just do it, but it's actually more complicated than that: I'm shy- oh screw you I am! I've issues with sex, I'm very open minded, but I will sooner do everything you want that tell you one single thing I want.
The key is to make me feel really comfortable, as if it was the most normal, ordinary stuff, in which case I will take it as the most normal ordinary stuff! Don't make a big deal out of it and I won't either!

Ok, so this is really a rant on how freaking awesome the guy I'm sleeping with is.
No seriouslly, awesome.
Like, if I didn't like him as a person (and I do a lot!) I'd still like to keep him as a fuck buddy.
And I don't do fuck buddies- so yeah, that awesome.

So, if I suddendly had to choose only one person to have sex with for the rest of my life, and I could choose from all the people I slept with + all the people I've yet to sleep with, I would, without thinking, say: "Him, please!"

He's just so f***ing confident, you know?
Like that quote from "Gone with the Wind", the one Rhett says to Scarlett:
"You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

Well, he knows how...
And I knew it from the moment he first kissed me, now those were butterflies!
I don't know if it's just a me thing, if he just pushes my buttons right or whatever, but everything just works like a bloody charm.
(I hope it's a me thing, but I very honestly doubt it, I'm certain he sucked in bed at some point, everyone does, but I'm also quite certain he's universally good at sex, now.
Go figure, some guys just have it all: Cool good-looks, a kick ass atitude, coupled with brilliant wits and good taste in art, music and literature... + sex god, yep life sucks for some people, not for me tough, I'm doing that guy! )

Wow, this entire post makes me sound like a damn sex maniac, which is so not true!
 I would totally date him, for his charming personality....
(yep, he has a charming personality, he's also funny and he get's my jokes, which is not easy and makes him be double funny for me)

Yes the sex rules, but the fact that this is a person I can talk to afterwards not only makes it more awesome, but it kinda gives it more value:
--Yes we're having great sex, and it will only improve as we get to know each other better and become more confortable with experimenting and communicating, etc...

But in the end of the day, I wanna spend time with you, talking about literature, art, music, movies and series, culture, life in general, our life in particular...
 Just eating whatever and watching Studio Ghibli movies...
I wanna know what you think, what makes you tick, not because we are dating, but because it interestets me, you interest me.
I wanna dream your dreams and help make them all come true.
Sure if you break my heart I will kill you, but until then I'll belive in you with such streght and conviction, that anything you want will happen if I can make it happen.

Take good care of me and I'll give you everything you could possible want, I'll be everything you need. Or try to, which is all I can do.

Do I love you?
No.

--But I could.

This Woman Is On Fire

So... Ignore the title reference to the stupid song.
Ok, now that we have cleared that, let us carry on...

Have you ever heard the expression:

"No raindrop feels responsible for the flood."

No? Well, now you have.

And what about this expression:

"...you're not a pawn, you're a piece of dust slowly settling on a pawn in a game in which no player has moved in a thousand years."

No? Well, you probably haven't 'cause I just invented that one, but the point is,

Some days seem to exist just to prove to you how insignificant you truly are.

 

Today was one of those days.

 

You know how when you're young you come up with a set of rules, personal rules and you say to yourself: "I will always live by this maxims."

Yes, well, you will not.

Prepare Yourself!

You will,

Lie

Steal

Envy

Cheat

Hurt

Kill

 (... ok that last one was probably an exageration...)

 What I mean is that you don't know the future and every new day is a test to your convictions, or perhaps more correctly to your preconceived notions of right and wrong.

 Ever read "Les Miserables" ?

 Yes, well I have, and you should too...

In fact, why don't you go read it right now?

.... go on, it's fine!

I'll wait...

 

Done?

Good.

 

Let's go on... where was I?

Oh! that's right, why life is a bitch...

 

One days it tells you all your dreams are possible, the ridiculous list you made of your perfect man is not only reasonable, but it exists, those childhood wishes were simply guidelines, but hey! now they aren't! they are for real,and life has somehow manage to improve on them, it or in this case he can be even better.

Perfect really.

 

Then the next day, life asks you, to completely redefine your notion of self, by throwing into the trash bin, all your preconceived maxims.

 Maxims like that old philosophical maxim, that goes something like this:

"The way you pose a question determines the answer."

 The problem with the question I am posing myself right now, is that it's a yes/no, right/wrong, all/nothing proposition.

I'm doomed to disappointment no matter how I cut it -- for in the end, I apparently still have a child's view of love and relationships,

-- solitude is preferable to bad relationships 'cause bad relationships must be misery and all the good relationships will immediatly be bliss and bliss alone.

Is this really how life works, not just with romance, but with anything?

At some point the mature person must recognize the difference between fantasy and reality, of how your idea of the way things should be only sometimes intersect with the way things really are.

Know that there are no real constants in life:

Solitude may be both invigorating and lonesome,

A relationship can be exceptional and wanting in equal turns,

Your family/friends can embolden you and let you down the next day.

Life is throwing this at me as a way of suggesting I rethink things as having more than one answer, and allow myself

the very real,

very human,

often unpoetic

(or fit for being turned into maxims )

stuff of life, that lies in the middle of misery and ecstasy.  The stuff in between. Neither white nor black, all the nasty and beautiful grey bits of life.

Whatever they may be.

Either way, just live the best life you can, and yadda yadda...

 

12th of May, 2013

It is a bad thing for a writer (or someone who aspires to be one, such as me) when words fail them.
Words fail me today.
Perhaps because of this, I will simply borrow someone else's words.

These words, for you, today, 12th of May, 2013.

"Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.

You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

 Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.

The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.  

 You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.

Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth. 

 How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,
my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.

  I want
to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."

 Poem #14 from 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair.
By Pablo Neruda

(Translated to english by W. S. Merwin)

Boy or Girl - Find Out Where Your Flaming Personality Leans To!

YOUR BOY SIDE:
you love hoodies
You love jeans
dogs are better then cats
it’s hilarious when people get hurt
you've played with/against boys on a team
shopping is torture s
ad movies suck
you own/owned an XBOX
you own/owned a Wii
you played with Hot Wheels as a little kid
at some point in life you wanted to be a firefighter
you own/owned a DS PS2 or Sega
you used to be obsessed with Power Rangers
you watch sports on TV
gory movies are cool
you go to your dad for advice
you own like a trillion baseball hats
you used to/do collect football collector cards
baggy sweatpants are cool to wear all the way
its kind of weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people
green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors
you love to go crazy and not care what other people think
sports are fun you talk with food in your mouth
you sleep at night with your socks on sometimes
TOTAL= 13

YOUR GIRL SIDE
you love to shop
you wear eyeliner
you wear the color pink
you go to your mom for advice
you considered cheerleading a sport you hate wearing the color black
you like going to town
you like getting manicures and/or pedicures
you like wearing jewelery
you cried watching The Notebook
you have worn dangly earings
shopping is one of your favorite hobbies
you don't like the movie Star Wars
you are/were in gymnastics you smile a lot more than you should
you have more than 10 pairs of shoes
sometimes you care about what you look like you like wearing dresses
you like wearing body spray you wear flip flops
you used to play with dolls as a kid you have put makeup on others
you like being the star of almost everything
you love shoe shopping
pink is one of your favorite colors
TOTAL= 9

hmm... thirteen against nine. I should have foreseen that...

"I shouldn't have to explain myself...YOU should be the one telling ME why you believed what you heard"

Firing Up The 1º Post of CampNaNoWrimo

I have always struggled with vulnerability.

I like being strong; I’ve always had to be strong, and I have associated vulnerability with weakness for as long as I can remember. Of course in everyday life, it would be difficult for people to know this. I am seen as someone who is quite open and outgoing, at least to the extent that my demeanor is not mistaken for being a cold, unapproachable bitch.

I think.

Perhaps it’s through writing, perhaps it’s through getting older, but ultimately I’ve realized that I’m a really hard person to get to know. And very few people know even the half of it. I’m guarded and I don’t break easily; no matter how close I am to people, I know that most of them are still kept at a distance that is comfortable for me, a distance that won’t leave me too exposed. Or in fact exposed at all. I do not like to be vulnerable. But in true I do not like to be strong either. I'm like a coin- there's more than one side to me, not black and white, not one-dimensional,

I am in 3D.

And there is no area in my life where this is more true than in my love life. Yes, I play it off as being shy, and I am. And I play it off as being disinterested in the people who courageously approach me, and maybe that is true too. But when it’s all said and done, I am afraid of being vulnerable with people in that way. Of being seen as vulnerable by others. I like to feel in control of situations, I like to feel that I am always secure and my insecurities often get in the way of that. When you’re vulnerable, your heart and your mind are wide open, you put your trust in others by giving them the most precious thing you have – your heart. When you’re vulnerable you leave yourself open to hurt, pain and disapointment. So I guess somewhere along the way, whether I realized it or not, I made the decision that vulnerability was not for me. I told myself that to be vulnerable would mean to give up my strength and I did not want to give it up I couldn't give it up. My construction of strength pratically defined me. But do you know what happens when you tell yourself that strength opposes vulnerability? That you must choose between one or the other? I can tell you: Not a whole not. At least not when it comes to love. Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t think they need anyone? In my attempt to be strong, beyond my own streght, I have ultimately been motivated by fear. I have lived in the fear of rejection and the fear of failing. And I have told myself that it’s meant to be this way. But the truth is, I don’t want to be alone. I know I’ll be fine and life will go on and other people do just fine like that, but I don’t want to choose that path if I don’t have to. Lately I’ve been seeing the error in my ways. I thought that vulnerability was the weaker position when it comes to love. But I’m realizing that the irony of vulnerability in love and in the pursuit of love is that you actually take the stronger position. When you put your heart on the line, when you give it to somebody and you tell them that it’s theirs to keep or break, when you expose who you are and all you are to the world– that is one of the truest and greatest strengths that there is. Being vulnerable, and putting myself out there won’t be easy, it might be one of the hardest things that I’m ever going to attempt. And it might go horribly wrong – I might get broken or damaged like so many others before me. Loving anything and anyone ultimately comes with hurt and my attempt to not let people get close enough to hurt me has left me with a different kind of pain, a different kind of weakness – the weakness of regret and "what ifs". I think that, if I am to be truly strong, if any of us are, we have to be willing to expose ourselves and put ourselves through the greatest risk of all – which is love.

For Love is the law. Love under Will.

Quote by Aleister Crowley

Around the Camp NaNoWrimo Fire

Hi there! Long time no see! So, this time I'm doing CampNaNoWrimo in April... And I'm cheating, well not cheating per se, but I'm not writing a novel, instead I'll be trying to write weekly posts on this website! That's my goal. Let's see how it goes. Wish me the Courage of a Gryffindor, the Persistence of a Ravenclaw, the Humility of a Hufflepuff and the Ambition of a Slytherin. Sara <3 http://www.campnanowrimo.org/campers/scalvim