Playing With Fire and With Cats

"We are all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them."

When I read this quote I just thought it represented exactly my feelings right now.

I don't know how but it just clicked right in my head.

Everything in my life right now is a complete mess, in terms of my professional and academic future, in my love life, even just in my relationships with family and friends.

Oddly enough this single quote contains, in a way, the answer, or at least my answer to all my questions abou the above issues.

Academic and professionaly, my problem is not even how I am getting to my gol, but simply getting any goals at all. I'm terribly stuck, and I say terribly because it is terrible the pressure that is. Everyone, not just family and friends but the entire society we're living in is just pressuring me into making a decision, into wanting things. Wanting to be things, to do things, to have things. Things, things, things. Like a repetitive macarena song, constantly playing in my head.

In terms of relationships, with friends and family, I always felt and probably always will feel dislocated, like I just don't know what to do. I love my friends, sure and my family of course, but is it so very strange to not know how to act around them, to always think, "Am I doing this right?" , "Perhaps it would be best to do this or say that instead?" . Its always like the simplest of things, like how many times I should see them or even talk to them, are unfamiliar concepts for me. And it seems so very simple to everyone else, like they all speak some secret language and I'm the only one left out, the foreigh student trying to learn a strange new language while all around me, everyone was born knowing it.

Ahhhh!?!!!!

And romantic relationships! Damn! it's ridicolous. I'm totaly clueless both as to how to act and in what I want. Now. I have this urges, this things I want, sure, but they are all just mixed up with this thoughts and ideas, even ideals and damn. Its all a freaking mess.

Does he like me? Do I like him?

When I like tem and they like me, I stop wanting them and when I don't like them or they don't like me is like I totally want them!

If they want long term I want a short affair, if they want a short affair, I want to have teir babies and grow old together, for All Gods' sake!

It's because I'm on my 20's isnt it?

And yet as I read that quote I feel like, for now, and for a very long time ahead. For me. This is as it should be, I hould be more like a cat, I should feel my urges, my ideas, my wants and act upon them, without guilt or second thoughts or doubts.

Just go, do what I want and damn enjoy it!

I must gather the courage to bake my cake, have it and eat it too.