Playing With Fire and With Cats

"We are all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them."

When I read this quote I just thought it represented exactly my feelings right now.

I don't know how but it just clicked right in my head.

Everything in my life right now is a complete mess, in terms of my professional and academic future, in my love life, even just in my relationships with family and friends.

Oddly enough this single quote contains, in a way, the answer, or at least my answer to all my questions abou the above issues.

Academic and professionaly, my problem is not even how I am getting to my gol, but simply getting any goals at all. I'm terribly stuck, and I say terribly because it is terrible the pressure that is. Everyone, not just family and friends but the entire society we're living in is just pressuring me into making a decision, into wanting things. Wanting to be things, to do things, to have things. Things, things, things. Like a repetitive macarena song, constantly playing in my head.

In terms of relationships, with friends and family, I always felt and probably always will feel dislocated, like I just don't know what to do. I love my friends, sure and my family of course, but is it so very strange to not know how to act around them, to always think, "Am I doing this right?" , "Perhaps it would be best to do this or say that instead?" . Its always like the simplest of things, like how many times I should see them or even talk to them, are unfamiliar concepts for me. And it seems so very simple to everyone else, like they all speak some secret language and I'm the only one left out, the foreigh student trying to learn a strange new language while all around me, everyone was born knowing it.

Ahhhh!?!!!!

And romantic relationships! Damn! it's ridicolous. I'm totaly clueless both as to how to act and in what I want. Now. I have this urges, this things I want, sure, but they are all just mixed up with this thoughts and ideas, even ideals and damn. Its all a freaking mess.

Does he like me? Do I like him?

When I like tem and they like me, I stop wanting them and when I don't like them or they don't like me is like I totally want them!

If they want long term I want a short affair, if they want a short affair, I want to have teir babies and grow old together, for All Gods' sake!

It's because I'm on my 20's isnt it?

And yet as I read that quote I feel like, for now, and for a very long time ahead. For me. This is as it should be, I hould be more like a cat, I should feel my urges, my ideas, my wants and act upon them, without guilt or second thoughts or doubts.

Just go, do what I want and damn enjoy it!

I must gather the courage to bake my cake, have it and eat it too.

Flames of Flowers Meanings

Harebell (campainha)is for submission,
gladiolus (gladiolo)
and Snapdragons (erva-bezerra)
for strength,
Grass
for aceptance,
the dog rose
is for pleasure & pain
and coral rose

for desire.
Chamomile
is patience, as well as energy in adversity;
tulips
are a declaration of love,
and yarrow (milefolio)
is the cure for heartache.
Love-lies-bleeding
is pretty self-explanatory;
pansies (amores-perfeitos)
are for thoughts and love,
lotus
is for estranged love and forgetfulness,
zinnia
are for thoughts of an absent friend.

Ok, now I bet you're super curious to why I bothered to research this particular flowers and their meanings... well, it's quite easy!
I wanted to insert flowers into a conversation, like what I did with the ice-cream, remember?
Innuendo games but with flowers this time!
Lets play!
Patricia, if you ever read this, please don't be offended, it's your fault for all that talk about threesomes!

"So, do you want to go out with him?" Pats asked me.

"Well, he's wonderful, that's for sure" I said, cheeks growing pink as I remembered last night, and then tried to think of a good way to show her how last evening had made me feel, without being too obvious or crude.

"Last evening has made me want a... a bouquet, with harebell, gladiolus and snapdragons, to lay on a bed of grass and rose petals," I said, rapidly chosing a few flowers, to represent myself-- the harebell meaning submission, then the gladiolus and snapdragons for him, the roses of desire and the grass of acceptance for pats -- though of course I knew they both really did deserve different, specific symbols, I was quite tired and gave up at finding a more appropriate one.

"I'd offer to arrange that," said Pats, "but it would only get us all in trouble." she continued shaking her head regretfully.

"Ah, perhaps once there's a proper opportunity," I said, looking curiously at her face for any reaction, "we could reconsider the matter?"

She broke out laughing, as I expected, but then she nodded once and made a mockingly serious face . "I shall trust that after many cups of chamomile tea," she said, and my memory supplied a whisper of patience among the meanings, "you will bring us tulips and not yarrow, and I'll have no cause to refuse such a proposal."

I blinked and nodded, filing the statement away to look up later, though I was pretty sure I knew what she meant. "I'll sip chamomile as well," I said, unconsciously copying her more formal speech, "and hope that he won't trade my tulips for love-lies-bleeding."

She laid her hand over mine and smiled softly. "We'll send you pansies all year long," she said trying not to laugh out loud. "And hope not to get lotus blossoms back."

"Never lotus," I said, the strange code coming to me easier, the more we spoke it, like a foreign language I'd read about but never actually tried to speak until just now.

"Pansies and zinnia, for you, always."

I finished smiling softly.