Sex Burns

I really should stop with the uninspired fire related titles...

Either way, SEX.
Yep, I'm gonna write about sex, and newsflash I think I've yet to write about that here.
That's probably because my sex life was until recently as boring as it gets.
Sorry old flames, the sex was great, (at times) but boy did I always kind knew there was something missing for me there.
It's not a you thing, it's a me thing.

I read and write adult fanfiction since I was 13. But I always kept that part of my sexuality quite in the closet so to speak.
I'm young, cute and f***ing adorable, for some reason guys just associate that with nice, gentle, boring sex.
Yes, well, I like it, I just would really like it the other way around as well please!

Well, you know what they say, if you want it, just do it, but it's actually more complicated than that: I'm shy- oh screw you I am! I've issues with sex, I'm very open minded, but I will sooner do everything you want that tell you one single thing I want.
The key is to make me feel really comfortable, as if it was the most normal, ordinary stuff, in which case I will take it as the most normal ordinary stuff! Don't make a big deal out of it and I won't either!

Ok, so this is really a rant on how freaking awesome the guy I'm sleeping with is.
No seriouslly, awesome.
Like, if I didn't like him as a person (and I do a lot!) I'd still like to keep him as a fuck buddy.
And I don't do fuck buddies- so yeah, that awesome.

So, if I suddendly had to choose only one person to have sex with for the rest of my life, and I could choose from all the people I slept with + all the people I've yet to sleep with, I would, without thinking, say: "Him, please!"

He's just so f***ing confident, you know?
Like that quote from "Gone with the Wind", the one Rhett says to Scarlett:
"You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

Well, he knows how...
And I knew it from the moment he first kissed me, now those were butterflies!
I don't know if it's just a me thing, if he just pushes my buttons right or whatever, but everything just works like a bloody charm.
(I hope it's a me thing, but I very honestly doubt it, I'm certain he sucked in bed at some point, everyone does, but I'm also quite certain he's universally good at sex, now.
Go figure, some guys just have it all: Cool good-looks, a kick ass atitude, coupled with brilliant wits and good taste in art, music and literature... + sex god, yep life sucks for some people, not for me tough, I'm doing that guy! )

Wow, this entire post makes me sound like a damn sex maniac, which is so not true!
 I would totally date him, for his charming personality....
(yep, he has a charming personality, he's also funny and he get's my jokes, which is not easy and makes him be double funny for me)

Yes the sex rules, but the fact that this is a person I can talk to afterwards not only makes it more awesome, but it kinda gives it more value:
--Yes we're having great sex, and it will only improve as we get to know each other better and become more confortable with experimenting and communicating, etc...

But in the end of the day, I wanna spend time with you, talking about literature, art, music, movies and series, culture, life in general, our life in particular...
 Just eating whatever and watching Studio Ghibli movies...
I wanna know what you think, what makes you tick, not because we are dating, but because it interestets me, you interest me.
I wanna dream your dreams and help make them all come true.
Sure if you break my heart I will kill you, but until then I'll belive in you with such streght and conviction, that anything you want will happen if I can make it happen.

Take good care of me and I'll give you everything you could possible want, I'll be everything you need. Or try to, which is all I can do.

Do I love you?
No.

--But I could.

This Woman Is On Fire

So... Ignore the title reference to the stupid song.
Ok, now that we have cleared that, let us carry on...

Have you ever heard the expression:

"No raindrop feels responsible for the flood."

No? Well, now you have.

And what about this expression:

"...you're not a pawn, you're a piece of dust slowly settling on a pawn in a game in which no player has moved in a thousand years."

No? Well, you probably haven't 'cause I just invented that one, but the point is,

Some days seem to exist just to prove to you how insignificant you truly are.

 

Today was one of those days.

 

You know how when you're young you come up with a set of rules, personal rules and you say to yourself: "I will always live by this maxims."

Yes, well, you will not.

Prepare Yourself!

You will,

Lie

Steal

Envy

Cheat

Hurt

Kill

 (... ok that last one was probably an exageration...)

 What I mean is that you don't know the future and every new day is a test to your convictions, or perhaps more correctly to your preconceived notions of right and wrong.

 Ever read "Les Miserables" ?

 Yes, well I have, and you should too...

In fact, why don't you go read it right now?

.... go on, it's fine!

I'll wait...

 

Done?

Good.

 

Let's go on... where was I?

Oh! that's right, why life is a bitch...

 

One days it tells you all your dreams are possible, the ridiculous list you made of your perfect man is not only reasonable, but it exists, those childhood wishes were simply guidelines, but hey! now they aren't! they are for real,and life has somehow manage to improve on them, it or in this case he can be even better.

Perfect really.

 

Then the next day, life asks you, to completely redefine your notion of self, by throwing into the trash bin, all your preconceived maxims.

 Maxims like that old philosophical maxim, that goes something like this:

"The way you pose a question determines the answer."

 The problem with the question I am posing myself right now, is that it's a yes/no, right/wrong, all/nothing proposition.

I'm doomed to disappointment no matter how I cut it -- for in the end, I apparently still have a child's view of love and relationships,

-- solitude is preferable to bad relationships 'cause bad relationships must be misery and all the good relationships will immediatly be bliss and bliss alone.

Is this really how life works, not just with romance, but with anything?

At some point the mature person must recognize the difference between fantasy and reality, of how your idea of the way things should be only sometimes intersect with the way things really are.

Know that there are no real constants in life:

Solitude may be both invigorating and lonesome,

A relationship can be exceptional and wanting in equal turns,

Your family/friends can embolden you and let you down the next day.

Life is throwing this at me as a way of suggesting I rethink things as having more than one answer, and allow myself

the very real,

very human,

often unpoetic

(or fit for being turned into maxims )

stuff of life, that lies in the middle of misery and ecstasy.  The stuff in between. Neither white nor black, all the nasty and beautiful grey bits of life.

Whatever they may be.

Either way, just live the best life you can, and yadda yadda...

 

12th of May, 2013

It is a bad thing for a writer (or someone who aspires to be one, such as me) when words fail them.
Words fail me today.
Perhaps because of this, I will simply borrow someone else's words.

These words, for you, today, 12th of May, 2013.

"Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.

You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

 Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.

The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.  

 You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.

Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth. 

 How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,
my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.

  I want
to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."

 Poem #14 from 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair.
By Pablo Neruda

(Translated to english by W. S. Merwin)